**Find Some Inspiration… It’s Down Deep Inside of You. <3 January 21, 2010

**This began as a journal entry to Jesus; my poppi, my hove.  Somewhere along  the way I felt the nudge to share… <3 ~K**

This is… the story of a girl.. a girl who is tired of feeling lost.. tired of feeling alone.. tired of [not] living! The problem, she has a stubborn streak the size of  jupiter & has no clue who she is! *groan* Oh Hove, I used to know.. I used to feel so sure.. what the hell happened!! Maybe we should review.. Who I Am =  hippie, Crazy, dreamer, writer, communicator,  open minded, lover, fighter, peace keeper, swearer, occasional boat rocker, part time bad ass, people pleaser, night owl, musician, sports nut, city girl, life coach, screw up, fat head, motivator, dare devil, lover of jesus, dance machine, romantic, artist, chicken shit, rebel, man catcher ;o), compassionate, giver, fixer, supporter, ham!, ninja, missionary in disguise, leader, follower, hopeful, joyful, funky, flaky, fresh! ), bubbly, inspiring (according to others), determined, fearless, full of fear, passionate, complete goof ball, persuasive, hott wheels, a beautiful mess, a work in progress, loud, silly, child like, at times… childish, wild, strong, R.A.N.D.O.M., music is my boyfriend, emotional, a believer, one who questions, hell on wheels, lover of color,  independent, insecure, abused… a victor not a victim!, I want to leave the world better than I found it, give love to those who so desperately need it!, be light in times of darkness, afraid to succeed, petrified to fail, ready to leap, yet terrified to fall, striving daily to undo the brainwashing that I am a burden with little to offer, handiCAPABLE, (thank you gLee ♡) believer that love can change the world.. if we are willing to let it.

I feel like I don’t know what I want to do with my life; but looking at this list it [is] starting to seem a bit clearer.  I want to help people. I want to spend my life representing the  Jesus I have come to adore… NOT this fella some fatheads are trying to sell us!  I can honestly say I have never been more scared of anything.. I feel totally unqualified.  Yet you remind me daily that you do not choose the equipped; you equip the chosen!  I don’t know a lot of things, but I do know you don’t want my ministry to follow the typical path… nope, this will be anything but typical!  What does that mean?? Hell if I know! The good news… I am ready to fond out. I am ready to kick off my flip flops & jump on this trampoline with you!  The mental image of this makes me feel the need to say… **I’d like to make myself believe… this planet earth turns slowly.**  The truth is… I have been running from this tugging on my heart for so long: can’t really say I am pleased with the results. Use me.. *Here am I; send me!* push me, just promise to be patient with me & my stupid mouth. I can’t promise I’ll listen all the time, or that I won’t want to turn around & run to hide under my bed, that I won’t be selfish, or stubborn.  Find a way to weave it all; the good & the bad into something far better than I could ever imagine!

Help me to enjoy the journey… to find the bliss that comes from dancing in the rain. ♡ Remind me to take LOTS of pictures; help these eyes to see the beauty that lives in everyday life.  Help me to [never] back down from what I believe in, never sell out.  Thank you for reminding me daily that I am NEVER alone.  Thank you for hand choosing an amazing family to make up for the one genetics dealt me!  Thank you for teaching me long ago that family is far more than bloodlines & last names.  For showing me that love doesn’t have to come with strings.. that real love [never] does!  **Smart listens to the head, stupid listens to the heart. Be stupid.** Thank you for making me a stupid girl who wears her heart on her sleeve & understands that is SUPPOSED to get broken.  Thank you for letting me break your heart a million times & [never] loving me any less!  Thank you for continuing to grow me.  Reminding me that life is not meant to be lived standing still.  Thank you for whispering, shouting, singing, dancing, screaming, putting up billboards, slapping me upside the head, laying on my heart… for doing whatever it takes to get my attention.  Most importantly, when I only see one set of footprints… thank you for being the one to carry me!!!  Ready. Set. & away we go! ♡

Say What You Need to Say… Even if Your Voice Shakes. December 22, 2009

Word to Big Bird.. It has been far too long since we have danced together.  Since we are about to enter a brand new decade it is time to get serious about this relationship.  Even if it is complete silliness I am going to give you some love every day.  <3

I know everyone is focused on the frenzy that is goin’ down at the end of the week, but to be honest… I’m fast forwarding a bit.  I can’t believe 2010 is nearly here.  Nine years ago I was a freshman in college; scared of my shadow.  Driving a bad ass capital G ghetto ‘88 grand-am, making forever friends over pads & deodorant.  I was B-town’s best tour guide, I talked too much, I laughed too loud, & Dave Matthews was my jam!  I worked at a carpet store, I partied with Jesus, whispered on white phones, & found solace in an 11×14 dorm room.  I discovered encouraging & uplifting others meant more to me than any  pay check ever could.. I discovered I truly was worth it!  Took a few trips, made a few u-turns.. Spied, lied, tried to play it cool. Fell for a preacher, a baller, & a music man. (or 2)  Traded the pontiac for a Beetle; traded fear for freedom.  Kissed a girl, (& liked it.) made BS-ing look like an Olympic sport, was constantly reminded to dream big cause life is short.

Good news.. I still talk too much, it is impossible for me not to laugh too loud, & Dave Matthews is still my jam! <3  The rest of it.. needs a little work.  I seem to have lost my voice.  Forgotten that loving people & using what I’ve been given to help them grow is what really matters.  When in the hell did I start taking myself & my life so seriously?!?!  I’ve traded the freedom I fought so hard to find, for a maximum security prison.  I bought into the lie that other people determine my worth.  I’ve allowed people to insult my intelligence, steal my joy, & make me feel like maybe i am nothing but a chubby girl in a chair.  Instead of punching.. I have once again become the punching bag!

**Boop, boop, boop, this is a KLF 8 news alert!** Come hell, or high water;  it. ends. now.  It is time for me to break free from the spin cycle.  I do [not] want the next ten years of my life to have the same yo-yoing whiplash pattern these 10 have.  As hard as it’s going to be it is time for me to stand up for what I want.. what I believe.. for who I am!!  Change starts with me.. not the person next to me.  It does me no good to give advice to those I love if i am not practicing what I preach!  It is time for me to realize doing nothing is failure!  I have spent so much of my life afraid to fail.. afraid to disappoint & as a result I am afraid to try!  If we’re being honest that is an even bigger failure than trying with all I am & falling flat on my face!! At least I had the balls to go for it.. which is more than I can say for myself right now!  So what if I got my heart broken… at least I know it works.  Who cares if my van leaks & makes my hair gray… it has a dance floor in it!!  It is time for me to stop being the victim & start being the victor!!!!

I am sure some will read this & think talk is cheap.. true, it is but finding the strength to put the pain, anger, disappointment, & fear into words; setting them free, finding release is the first step toward making the changes which accompany growth.  **To get something you’ve never had you must do something you’ve never done.**

I am officially putting 2010 on notice… it is going to be my year! I am starting it with a bang… hangin out with one of my lovelies, some guy named Jonas & his administration. I am ready to dive head long into a year of adventure. Live music, good friends, crazy dreams, good times, tattoos, & maybe even a text book or 2..

What do you want 2010 to look like??  What’s holding you back?? Are you being like me & carrying around baggage you should have set down long ago??  As you reflect on the year as well as the decade do yourself a favor… allow the mistakes of the  past to remain in your review mirror.  Take strides every day to keep history from repeating itself.  Appreciate how much you’ve grown, find peace with the fact that everything happens for a reason.  Realize the beauty in unanswered prayers, seek peace, find your joy!

Here’s to a year full of dance parties, complete randomness, laughter far out weighing tears, buying cute underwear for for no one but myself, Cubs games, 30th birthday bashes, Dave Matthews & Jonas Brothers road trips, shakin’ what my momma gave me, loving myself for exactly who I am… & realizing we have a say in our happiness.  Here’s to making 2010 the year of liven out louder. <3

*Baby, We’re 2 Rebels* October 6, 2009

Pssst… click this.. *Cobra Starship*

What makes a good girl go bad?? As I dance around looking all kinds of crazy,  I find myself wanting to answer this question.  From the moment I heard this song for the first time it has stuck to me; resonated in such a way I couldn’t get enough of it.  I assumed it was the catchy hook, but now I think it is far more than that.

All my life I have been the good girl. The one everyone thought would never do anything wrong.  Sure, my bestees and I really want t-shirts that say *Dude we’re so bad ass it’s insane*, but if we are honest with ourselves we really aren’t.  LOL.  While I have done I few things that would make my mother’s hair curl for the most part I am a pretty straight laced girl.  Never rocking the boat, never truly following my heart.  So lately I have found myself wondering what it would look like if I finally took the leap & became a good girl gone *bad*.

Would I finally get that tattoo I have been wanting for the last 15 years?  Would I find my voice & stand up for the things I am so passionate about, no matter how angry my family gets??  Would I finally find the strength to go back to school & chase the dreams that ache inside my heart every minute of every day??  Maybe I would get my nose pierced & dye my to match my personality! Allow my creative juice to flow freely & stop buying into the bull sh*t I’ve been fed.  Allow my heart to convince my head once & for all  that I am indeed far more than a curvy girl in a wheelchair; I am a curvy girl in a wheelchair who has a hell of a lot to  offer to the world around her!  Would I stop being paralyzed by my fear of disappointing those who have disappointed me most & finally leap head long into the life I know I deserve?! Kiss a girl & not feel guilty for saying I like it?  Yep, I did just say that out loud for the whole world to hear!  Look out now, look out!

None of these things are bad, but to those with whom I share genetics all of them would be the end of the world.  I would indeed be a good girl going bad.  For the first time… possibly ever I can honestly say I want nothing more than to be that girl.  A boat rocker, the crazy girl I used to be who wasn’t afraid of anything.. not really.. not like I am now.  Would the real K Fizzle please stand up?! Er, okay so maybe that whole standing thing won’t work out to well, but you know what i mean!  No matter how scared I may be; everything inside of me is screaming.. it’s time!! **For too long I’ve been afraid of losing love I guess I’ve lost; well if that’s love… it comes at MUCH too high a cost!!  I think I’ll try defying gravity.**  It is time to swim against the tide, allow my heart to be my guide, & stop waiting for a better time. No day but today… I am allowing this blog to be my first step toward being a good girl gone bad.  Toward living a life filled with love & a million memories.  A life spent helping others, loving them, helping them to be the best people they can be.

In order for me to do that I need to set my self free… realize  the truth that lies in being comfortable in my own skin.  **In this life you don’t have to prove a damn thing to anyone but yourself.  after all you’ve been through if you don’t know you’re something special …  you never will.**   <—— I need this tattooed on my forehead!  If you are still reading this take some time to love yourself.. be comfortable in your skin.. realize that this is the only life you get.. do everything you can to make it good to the last drop!  Get crazy..  break the mold.. relish being a good girl gone bad! <3

love. always.

K <3

Where are we now?!?! September 12, 2009

Eight years ago the world stopped;  for all intensive purposes it stood still.  Fear, anger, anguish, & uncertainty rendered us momentarily immobile… Then something bigger kicked in; the human spirit was evident.. raw & tangible!  In the face of tragedy & enormous uncertainty we said hell no; we are not going to take this lying down!!  We will not hide in our closets because there’s a monster under our bed.  In the face of the unthinkable we put aside our differences … laid down our pride & rallied to *never let this slow us down.* to never forget.

Yet, on this day 8 years later I find myself asking… have we forgotten??  Every single day there is fighting in this country… **I’m right, you’re wrong.  My way is the only way!  If you won’t give me the barrel of monkeys (or oil) then I am not going to play with you!!**  We pout & throw tantrums like a spoiled 2 year old if we can’t have it our way; & how dare someone disagree with us… they have NO right to do that!

Everyday people claiming to do things out of love for their creator walk around spreading hate, anger, & all too often intolerance… **In the Name of Jesus.**  I’m sorry, but that is not the cool cat I read about when I open THE BOOK!!  Maybe it is time we re-think this thing… maybe it’s time to remember what it means to compromise.  Time to open our eyes & realize that  playing with the barrel of monkeys together is a hell of a lot better than not getting to play at all!  Who knows… maybe, just maybe we’ll get a life long friend out of it!  Maybe we need to see that middle ground does not = losing, but rather realizing there are 2 sides to every story, & both deserve to be heard!

On a day where we revisit all of the anguish that flew our way 8 years ago… may we remember what came out of that.  We were indeed the [UNITED] States of America.  It wasn’t about political parties, or income, gender, sexual orientation, or religious beliefs.  It was about hope, love, & unity.  What would our world look like if we were to get ourselves back to that??

What if we took a chance & realized that those for Brits who started a *Revolution* had it right all along…  Love IS all you need!!  What if rather than allowing greed & self interest to rule our lives we *gave love a try?!*  You may say I’m a crazy dreamer; my ? to you is… *Where would we be, if we couldn’t dream??!!*

May we never forget what it feels like to truly live… tomorrow is not promised.  *Love it up… everyday!*

love. always.

~K <3

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